Stumble It!
There have been so many patent infringement suits lately! Admittedly, I'm not a patent expert by any means, but the patents in question seem to be very broad, open to interpretation
and based on concepts rather than real inventions. So, I've been
thinking that it shouldn't be too difficult to imagine a few concepts
of my own, patent them, and then sit on them until I spot some
innovative company with deep pockets that I can sue.
Luckily,
for the last several months, my technology and communications news
feeds have been filled with hundreds of articles about Vonage patent
law suits, Apple i-everything, and Microsoft Unified Communications.
All of this input has given me the necessary inspiration to come up
with my first "concept patent". I believe history will show that Al
Gore invented the Internet, Microsoft invented Unified Communications,
Apple invented the greatest number of uses for the lowercase i, and
that I invented Telepathy Over IP (ToIP). What follows are some
attributes of my invention that I intend to patent next week.
ToIP
is almost identical to VoIP. With VoIP, we digitize and packetize voice
then transmit it across IP networks. With ToIP, instead of digitizing
sounds, we digitize thoughts. Like VoIP, ToIP will have a variety of
CODECs namely:
* i-729, the equivalent of G.729. Actual
thoughts are not transmitted, only facsimiles. Works well most of the
time, but not ideally suited for transmitting that song in your head.
*
i.711, the equivalent of G.711. Requires more bandwidth than i-729 and
has some fidelity limitations. Thoughts are transmitted adequately but
they lack emotion.
* i.722, the equivalent of G.722. Very
high fidelity CODEC. Presents some security issues, since it will be
difficult to differentiate your own thoughts from somebody else's. It
may also complicate the diagnosis of schizophrenia.
I
intend to negotiate licensing deals with both Steve Jobs and Bill
Gates. ToIP will enable a plethora of new i-Devices that use ToIPOW
(Telepathy Over IP Over Wireless). For example the i-Think, a small
device that is permanently imbedded under (and irritates) your skin.
You simply think of a song, and you begin to hear it in your head, all
in beautiful 32-channel surround sound. Super-HD OLED displays
that fit in your pocket and fold out to 60" screens will become
obsolete since the physical media for viewing images will no longer be
required with the advent of the i-See. Of course, we will have to deal
with the record and motion picture industries who will want to impose DRM on thinking about music or movies.
Security
will be even more critical than it is with VoIP. The implications of a
lack of confidence in ToIP security will result in a whole population
that can't trust that little voice inside their head. However, the
first priority will be to achieve mass adoption of ToIP based services.
Once everyone has switched to ToIP, we can start to figure out the
security aspects (as we do today with all new IP based services).
My
ToIP invention will enable Unified Communications 3.0 (trendy title
don't you think?). The earlier UC 2.0, will use Microsoft's patent on brainwave-to-computer interfaces.
However, that interface required surgical brain implants and messy
wiring. With UC 3.0, Microsoft's delusions about their current UC 1.0's
capabilities will be realized (check out their I-Know Video). With UC 3.0, verbal communications will seem downright primitive and will likely become illegal.
Now
you might be thinking, "great concept", but there is no interface that
can capture and digitize human thoughts and therefore the concept is
not plausible or patentable. Well, I thought of that too, and I believe
that the following will convince you otherwise.
You see, an
increasing number of physicists and scientists believe that there are
parallel universes; in fact, there may be an infinite number of parallel universes.
That being the case, there is another version of our planet where ToIP
is ubiquitous, and someone on that planet realizes that we require a
ToIP interface. What's needed is an inter-dimensional network standard
that will allow the build-instructions for the ToIP interface to be
transferred to us. So, I propose that we create an i-DAN
(Inter-Dimensional Area Network). The i-DAN (I will license this to
Apple also) will be based on a wireless standard since the idea of a
wired inter-dimensional connection is just silly. Since there are an
infinite number of parallel universes, i-DANs already exist and the
information is currently being transmitted; we just need to tune in.
Now, I'm thinking that i-DAN signals are rather weak and that's why we
haven't detected them yet. I propose that SETI
stop wasting time scanning millions of frequencies across the entire
sky. ETs from the other dimensions have been desperately trying to
communicate but we keep changing the channel! Rather, they should focus
all of their telescope arrays at a specific spot in the sky and tune
all the receivers to say, 3.62Ghz. Why that frequency? No particular
reason except that inter-dimensional communications will be easier if
we stick to a single frequency.
So there you have it. I
believe I have invented the technology that will enable Unified
Communications 3.0 and a large number of revolutionary i-Devices. I
don't intend to build any of these devices. I will just sue anyone that
develops a service using ToIP if they haven't bought my licensing
rights. Are you ready for the future?
Now, i-Think, I'll take my pills and go to bed.
Rick McCharles
Telecom Consultant, RIC Services , Toronto
